We’re filing CrankyYank Vol. 73 under Jokes because Carter Page is a big fat national punchline. I’m still not sure how we were blessed with a “wackadoodle” readout of his entire recent testimony to the House Intelligence Committee but it’s a sight for sore eyes and ears.

The committee generously allowed him to enter his opening statement into evidence, and it reads like a script for InfoWars: The Movie. Page is basically the hate-spawn of RT America and Breitbart News, as evidenced by using the “Clinton/Obama Regime” repeatedly in his opening statement.

Harry Reid doesn’t even watch gangster movies, you nitwit.

Why was the Dodgy Mr. Carter allowed to enter as “evidence” a demonstrably false and inflammatory piece of dreck as his opening remarks? Because Devin Nunes is the chair of that committee and Nunes would let a Rabid Russian Pig testify if a) she had Hillary’s Uranium One e-mails and b) if she helped a lovestruck Devin to suck up to his boyfriend Orangina Thinskin. Nunes denied even knowing Page and Manafort at all, which is of course hilarious.

RELATED: ‘THE STRANGE PLEASURE OF SEEING CARTER PAGE SET HIMSELF ON FIRE’ (RICK WILSON FOR THE DAILY BEAST)

Back to our man Carter. Page is in love with the “dodgy dossier” line, as evidenced by his testimony and his repeating it in national interviews. Aside from alliteration, the phrase is as empty as his head. Whomever is allowing him to do repeated interviews (Chris Hayes, Tapper, et. al.) is a complete and total dumbass.

Part of me thinks this is an intentional effort to shake car keys as a distraction from the rest of the Trump-Russia scandal. Perhaps we’ll find out later that Page is being paid to be a buffoon.

Anyways, I’ve been super critical of Trey Gowdy in months and years past—with good reason—but I gotta hand it to him: his relentless questioning of Page was quite a marvel to behold. (And shocking to see a republican leading the charge in this instance.) Page’s answers were more like Adderall-powered brain vomit than actual lucid ideas.

Asked about his correspondence with people in the Trump campaign in regard to his trip to Russia, he said he “wanted to be very careful” since word had started spreading about Russia’s interference in our election. “If you wanted to be super careful why did you go?” Gowdy asked him

Adam Schiff also deserves a Nobel Peace Prize for patiently asking and re-asking questions of Page to which he never got adequate answers. The exchanges went something like this:

Schiff: Did you meet with Russians during the campaign last year?

Page: Hillary Clinton is a raging c*nt.

Schiff: That’s not what I asked you, sir. Were you or anyone in the campaign attempting to coordinate with Russian officials?

Page: Hillary’s uranium manufacturing facility is in the basement of Comet Pizza in D.C. and she killed Tupac.

Schiff: Dr. Page, you’re not—

Page: I sometimes watch Tom & Jerry.

There’s a good reason why Cletus (Trump) and his Merry Band of Mafia Cretins are calling Page a “low level staffer.” They want nothing to do with him because he’s a walking, talking trash fire—shadowed by a leaking gas truck. I can’t wait until his next guest spot on All In with Chris Hayes because the jokes write themselves. 🔵


 

Will Pollocksideways is an Atlanta-based freelance multimedia journalist focusing on pop-culture, politics, journalism & media, retail, real estate, travel, politics, and human interest. 

He is the author of two books (Pizza for Good & Leaving Triscuit), with more on the way. Sign up for the mailing list, follow on TwitterFacebook and Instagram—and check out the book links below.

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