There’s a booming rager going on at the top of the U.S. government.
Is it a birthday soirée ? Did they bring in another hooker to pee on a mattress? Did Donald choose a new hair weaver at Carlotta’s downtown hair parlor? Is it another post-election stadium rally to pump Trump’s fragile ego?
Nope. It’s a изменой партия —or “Treason Party” in Russian.
With the recent firing of Mike Flynn, Trump’s former national security adviser, details have come to light that he had lied about the contents of his phone conversations with Russian officials after President Obama hit the country with sanctions for election meddling.
And even though congressional republicans promised years of investigations and articles of impeachment against Secretary Clinton before the election was over, their collective reaction to this latest news?
And that, my friends, is treason. It is a textbook betrayal of the rule of law. Even declining to do something can fall squarely in that category. To that end, I give you the in-courageous Senate and House members who are obviously stonewalling to protect their own skin and that of Trump:
- Rand Paul: “It makes no sense” for GOPers to investigate GOPers.
- Jason Chaffetz: “Sid the Science Kid” is way more important.
- Mitch “Mouthful of Muffin” McConnell: I prefer the public stay in the dark.
- Rep. Devin Nunes: “seems like there’s a whole lot of nothing there.”
But the mysterious plot thickens further: The New York Times—one of the papers which, by the by, led the charge to impugn the legitimacy of Sec. Clinton—published an explosive report detailing the Trump campaign’s communication with Russian officials a full year before the ’16 election.
What were they doing on that call? Were they working on a future-failed real estate deal? Did they trade recipes? Or, more likely, did they collude and conspire to predetermine or at least influence the outcome of the election?
“We’re only one menstrual cycle into this presidency and there is BLOOD IN THE WATER.” — Samantha Bee
After this, we’re hearing many Watergate-esque quotes like “what did the president know and when?” My question is, Does Donald know anything besides tweeting on the crapper at 3 a.m.?
The act of treason has many levels. Even if the Flynn firing were to be investigated, it’d be sent to the Attorney General,
Beverly Lesley Jeff Sessions; he’s already indicated he will not recuse himself. Which is also a subtle act of treason in that he could not be a fair adjudicator of the situation.
So we’re in the midst of exploring just how deep and complex the act of treason goes, and how far the Republican party will obfuscate to protect its hold on government. Watch this space.
— William Barr’s Jumpy Polygraph Test (@bywillpollock) February 16, 2017
Comedian On The Rise: Chris Distefano
I stumbled over comedian Chris Distefano recently and LOVED what I saw. The Brooklyn native and father-to-be hilariously captures his Puerto Rican girlfriend: “She’s almost too sexual; it should be illegal. I feel like I should have a talk with my daughter: ‘you can’t hang out with your mother anymore.'”
The prolific tweeter and Islanders fan has an eponymous comedy pilot coming to CBS in the fall from the showrunners of How I Met Your Mother. The show, based on his comedy material, will feature the blending of Italian and Puerto Rican families. Looks like a winner to me.
The Disruptors I’ve named in past issues of CrankyYank have been political or social agitators. But this time the Disruptor of the Week Award goes to Melissa McCarthy as “Spicey” Sean Spicer. The surprise Saturday Night Live portrayal caused the Internet to blow up and spurred a repeat performance last Saturday.
This is not just a portrayal, actually. Like Maya Rudolph as Beyoncé or Fred Armisen as Prince, McCarthy is an actor who has become more of the person than the actual person himself. Spicer, the embattled spokesman for the Trump administration, has made a name for himself as a tongue-tied, defensive communicator who can’t seem to catch a break.
Whomever was responsible for that casting decision ought to share this disruptor award, because it was a genius idea.
There are rumors circulating that Donald is looking for a Spicer replacement—but I think we can all agree that would be comedy malpractice.
If you see a small plane landing a strange place—a golf course, or an incorrect runway—the pilot could be Harrison Ford. The actor, best known for his portrayal of Han Solo in the Star Wars saga, has had his fair share of aviation mishaps. Most recently he landed on the wrong runway at John Wayne International Airport and flew directly over an American Airlines passenger jet (ABC News)… As I accurately predicted on Twitter, Adele cleaned up at the GRAMMYs, winning five awards including Song of the Year for “Hello.” Over her three-record career she’s won 15 GRAMMYs and 18 nominations. But she had a specific message for her co-nominee in her acceptance speech, flashing her trademark humanity (and potty mouth). “I can’t possibly accept this award. The artist of my life is Beyoncé—all us artists here, we fucking adore you.” (YouTube/GRAMMYs)
not only is @Adele's new song "Hello" a soaring anthem, you can stop the Grammy voting for Song of the Year right fucking now.
— William Barr’s Jumpy Polygraph Test (@bywillpollock) October 23, 2015
“It tastes like an old lady’s underpants.” Your Cure Your Crankies moment is a bunch of people trying coffee for the first time. As someone who cannot live without the nectar of the gods each morning, this clip is LOL funny. Hard to imagine someone having an aversion to it, but there it is. Enjoy.
That’s a wrap guys. We’ll see you right back here next Thursday afternoon at 2 p.m.
Make sure to comment often—cranky loves company.
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