Two think tanks led by Trump admin vets have “America First” branding: America First Legal, America First Policy Institute. Both came after Nick Fuentes’ blood-and-soil America First PAC; Rs hurriedly denouncing the America First Caucus also kind of bad for the brand
— David Weigel (@daveweigel) April 17, 2021
Oh my dear CrankyYank readers—it’s been awhile. How I’ve missed y’alls! Back in the saddle after a trip to Virginia and—after tucking this story in my back pocket for a rainy day—I’m ready to set it free.
‘AFL’ logo very excellent for comedy writers
Let’s kick off with cutting analysis of ‘Murrica First logo, which looks like a lonely, diseased penis. It’s like that type of useless/limp organism akin to damp lettuce abandoned behind a restaurant dumpster. If Word ’97 clip art fornicated a strip mall.
They didn’t hire the best people for graphic design but what about all them high-power MAGAs they have on their roster?
Oh man just wait until you see the who’s who of human crap AFL have on the payroll.
Attorneys as future-prison inmates
In no particular criminal order, let’s have a look at the stars and co-stars of America’s Funniest Legal chowderheads.
Stephen Miller's attempt at an "alternate" slate of electors has zero chance of working. But it's also a criminal plot to overthrow the government. For this and a lot of other reasons, Miller needs to spend the rest of his life in prison.
— Palmer Report (@PalmerReport) December 14, 2020
Steve Miller. Stephen hates being called Steve so we’ll *of course* call him Steve or Stevie or Steve-O. Anyways Steve-a-rino was Chief Nazi for donald trump and is responsible for his most awful actions, including child separation and tons of other ugly shit. Miller’s crimes are too many to cover here but suffice to say he’s got a date with International Criminal Court for crimes against humanity, to say nothing of his fondness for “alternative slate of electors” treason. He’s going to jail.
Mark Meadows could face criminal exposure for his role in Trump's Georgia phone call https://t.co/xu5v8kwD8x
— AlterNet (@AlterNet) January 13, 2021
Mark “crying in men’s room stall” Meadows. What is criminal exposure, anyways? After fighting for space in donald’s colon while in congress Meadows was “elevated” to Chief of Staff where he weeped openly and freaked out his staff. Nothing wrong with men being in touch with their emotions, but a little goes a long way. More importantly: Weepy Mark was caught in Georgia trying to sabotage will of our voters here and Fani Willis will have the final word on his future. Also going to jail.
So, as I understand this, Trump’s acting attorney general Matt Whitaker committed perjury when he told a congressional committee last month that Trump never called him about the Michael Cohen case. Today Whitaker apparently admitted Trump did call him.pic.twitter.com/ioZPo0gYOM
— Keith Boykin (@keithboykin) March 13, 2019
Matt Whitaker. Masculine toilets seem like 600 years ago now, but that will always be a thing for Whitaker—who still looks like John Goodman’s thumb styled by Men’s Wearhouse. Trumpkins lied under oath HUNDREDS of times in 4 years and Mattie was one of them. Not sure lying in sworn testimony matters anymore but, if it suddenly does matter again, Whitaker shouldn’t get too comfy.
AFL’s costars just as terrible
— Russ Newell (@russ_newell) January 1, 2021
Russell Vought. Even though Russ looks like a Wawa gas attendant he’s been quite busy with the treasoning. Par for the course for donald to install folks whose primary task is to f*ck up the position they’re in, I get that; but Russ was a particularly criminal cog in the wheel. Russ held security funds for Ukraine, which will eventually be deemed criminal; and he obstructed lawful transfer of power which, ya know, seems a tad bit criminal-y. He defied congressional subpoenas, too, which was also an epidemic during trump’s years.
A draft report obtained by @shearm, @ktbenner & @nytmike implicates Jeff Sessions, Rod Rosentein and DOJ lawyer Gene Hamilton as the "driving force" behind the “zero tolerance” child separation immigration policy https://t.co/bBoEzCAPZR
— Oversight Summit (@oversightsummit) October 12, 2020
Gene Hamilton. Oh dear, Genie is in a bottle of trouble. Hamilton, a close ally of Stevie Miller, was instrumental in child separation and helped Keebler Nazi Jeff Sessions (who also lied under oath, btw) enact the brutal police. Underneath federal prison for Genie.
Back to the drawing board: Mark Meadows joins Conservative Partnership Institute. Guess what: CPI founded by Jim DeMint, #CNP Exec Committee; Pres. Ed Corrigan, CNP member; Policy Director Rachel Bovard, board of CNP Action. #ShadowNetwork https://t.co/gtmoNqvNLL
— Anne Nelson (@anelsona) January 27, 2021
Ed Corrigan & Wesley Denton. Not gonna spill to much ink on these A-holes, only to wave in the direction of CNP & Heritage Foundation, to which they’re connected. If we’re serious about cleaning up American government, we’ll sue Heritage out of existence. Eddie & Wes are bit players but still very critical to helping Casino Mobster staff up his regime.
What dumb mobsters do is create a public-facing website to make it easier for FBI to monitor actions until the time comes for arrests and indictments. That diseased penis is just a bonus. 🐵
Will Pollock is a perpetually crabby New York City escapee based in Midtown Atlanta. He’s a freelance multimedia journalist, media analyst and author of two books (award-winning Pizza for Good & Leaving Triscuit), with more on the way.
In 2001, Will earned his Masters from The Medill School of Journalism, graduating with highest honors from the magazine sequence. As permanent member of Journalism’s National Honors Society, he’s been active in monitoring, writing and blogging about media and journalism ever since he graduated.
Obsessed with good storytelling and journalistic excellence, Will uses snark, humor and reason to distill dumb shit and make it fun. He’s a seeker/maker of non-consensus news, and helps you cure crankies by finding the nut in every story.
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