New congress, new attitude.

That’s at least what I hope will be our slogan for 2019, when adults are back in charge of congress and there is finally a legit check on executive power.

Please enjoy my shortlist of laws that a newly minted Dem congress could and should pass to rid our nation of grifting assholes (hi there Ben Carson!).

WARNING: following contains NSFW language because the country is under attack and salty language is required. In no order:

Grifters GTFO Act 2019

Summary: Protect America from being held hostage by grifting scuzball Spoiled Orange Marmalade and his craven MAGA army

Resolved: Make it disqualifying for a POTUS candidate to simultaneously hold *any* business entities while president; make it mandatory for POTUS candidates to release 10 years of tax returns, including those from associated businesses; create anonymous whistleblower tip line for citizens to notify representatives of illegality; when a cabinet official orders, say, a $30,000 diamond-encrusted table that action triggers an automatic investigation through any and all oversight committees; America’s Founding Fathers saw Emoluments Clause as “central to our nation’s sovereignty and survival” so we must pass laws that comport with that urgency; if the 13th Amendment mandates an official to lose citizenship as punishment, declare Trump a resident of Russia and he’ll likely flee there

Coal Is Like So Yesterday Act 2019

Summary: On a global basis coal represents nearly 40% of power generation and must be curtailed to stem global warming; despite Darth Cheeto’s boner for coal and his ego rallies in West Virginia, coal is Dead Energy Walking.

Resolved: Declare Orangina Thinskin’s solar tariffs null and void; make renewable energy the official power of the federal government, phased in over 10 years—with solar leading the way; expand national tax credits for renewable energy; incentivize businesses to install green roofs and plant trees/forests to help reverse global warming; encourage sustainability with tax breaks to private homeowners to adopt solar, compost and any other measures

National Voting Holiday Act 2019

Summary: GOP’s worst nightmare is civic engagement, so why not cram a national voter holiday down their throats?

Resolved: National election days—both for midterm and presidential elections—are hereby recognized as an official national holiday to give American citizens the leeway to vote at their leisure, without penalty at work; NVH will also put emphasis on any citizen’s national duty to make their voice heard; adopt a modest marketing budget to promote this day as with “ask not what your country can do for you” audio playing on repeat in the background

Fuck Off Kris Kobach & Brian Kemp Act 2019

Summary: Declare racially motivated voter purges illegal, as it should be, and reinstate the VRA so states can’t get away with this fucking bullshit anymore

Resolved: No state shall collect sensitive voter data and weaponize it for political purposes; no state shall disenfranchise voters because they don’t fancy the color of their skin; no state shall purge voters from the rolls whom they have disagreements with; no state shall engage in Crosscheck, or any program similar, and any effort to do so will be seen as illegal and triggering an investigation; no state shall use machines containing wireless modems or any other hackable equipment

The Khashoggi Justice Act 2019

Summary: Jamal Khashoggi was reportedly murdered by Saudi vigilantes in a Turkish consulate and Trump has parroted the country’s official talking points. If we’re to be taken seriously as a global power, we must frame this new law in the spirit of the Magnitsky Act and officially punish those who’ve ordered or condoned extra-judicial murders.

Resolved: Any country involved in the murder of American citizens, temporary visitors or permanent residents must be sanctioned by congress; it should also trigger an immediate investigation by the foreign-relations panels of both houses of congress; U.S. should also advocate for international sanctions through the United Nations, the E.U. and any other bodies of power.

‘Hack This Bitches’ National Paper Ballots Act 2019

Summary: We have too many sketchy corporations making shitty, hackable voting machines for our most sacred national function.

Resolved: Make paper ballots and hand-counting a national standard, printed by and fulfilled by Feds, so that there is consistency, security and predictability in voting; incentivize 3rd parties like Diebold, et. al., to propose new e-voting schemes that are non-partisan and unhackable; until those new systems are proposed and approved—paper ballots and hand-counting only; make automatic voter registration a national priority

Climate Change Starts With Voldemort’s Florida Act 2019

Summary: Rick “Bald Donald” Scott has ordered state government to never say the words “climate” and “change” in the same sentence. In 2019 congress takes a trip to Miami to conduct a symbolic bill-completion ceremony including a hired actor to play the part of Rick Scott as Voldemort, where a resolution is signed confirming climate change as an urgent emergency for the entire state.

Resolved: Climate Change to be adopted as official policy and state-health crisis by all coastal states; make it Congress’ official position that CC must be addressed; commit to phasing out coal and other dirty energy at the Federal level by 2025

Keep Families Together You Heartless Assholes Act 2019

Summary: The Trump administration has been engaging in extra-judicial human trafficking, physical abuse, torture and other crimes against humanity and it must stop, now.

Resolved: Make it official illegal to separate families seeking legal asylum; create a mechanism that triggers automatic congressional investigation when these practices come to light via whistleblowers or media reports; create an independent/non-partisan panel of attorneys to adjudicate human-rights violations in the same way as the ICC

Trans Rights Are Human Rights Act 2019

Summary: The Trump administration has been demonizing immigrants, women and the LGBT community and it must stop now. Transgender men and women are being singled out as a scapegoat to incite fear in the GOP base; them of protections they need

Resolved: Any attack on the trans community is an attack on America; trans men and women in the military should be allowed to serve in peace and with thanks for their service; trans protections implemented by the Obama administration should be immediately reinstated as national law

Oh FFS Audit Defense Department RFN Act 2019

Summary: Via Matt Fuller comes an astonishing revelation that the Air Force has been spending nearly $1,300 on coffee mugs—not cumulatively; EACH—and DoD has *never* had an official audit completed.

Resolved: With a $717B annual budget the U.S. Defense Department shall be immediately subject to an audit by an independent 3rd party, with results triggering mandatory cuts in spending where budget items are deemed redundant or unnecessary; no parade shall ever be permitted in servitude to a president, including and especially illegitimate ones installed by Russia

The best way to get/stay frosty for Midterms is to imagine what a Democratic congress could do with the control we, the American people, have given them. Keep pushing—we’re less than 2 weeks away and you don’t want to wake up on Nov. 7th wondering “what could I have done?” 🔴

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Will Pollock is a perpetually crabby New York City escapee based in Midtown Atlanta. He’s a freelance multimedia journalist, media analyst and author of two books (the award-wining Pizza for Good & Leaving Triscuit), with more on the way.

In 2001, Will earned his Masters from The Medill School of Journalism, graduating with highest honors from the magazine sequence. As permanent member of Journalism’s National Honors Society, he’s been active in monitoring, writing and blogging about media and journalism ever since he graduated.

Obsessed with good storytelling and journalistic excellence, Will uses snark, humor and reason to distill dumb shit and make it fun. He is a seeker/maker of non-consensus news, and cures his crankies by finding the nut in every story.

As for-profit media continues to fail us, it’s more important than ever to find reliable sources. Authentic storytelling exists—you just have to look for it. On this blog you’ll get ideas, not ideology. Sass with class. Reporting with rapport. Evidence with a touch of evil. You get the idea.

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